Wear spirituality lightly

To a seeker who feels that his family does not support him in his spiritual endeavour.

A seeker often finds it difficult initially to manage his time between sadhana (including reading spiritual literature) and demands of his family.  I know that you are well read and are familiar with spiritual concepts.  I am not going to say something profound here but would like to reiterate a few truths to focus on the issue and share some processes which did not only help me to resolve my problems (impatience, anger, anxiety, fear etc.) but also enabled me to have faint glimpses of divinity in places of worship, gurus and more importantly in my spouse.

First truth is that we get the relations, material things and circumstances which we deserve.  There is no injustice in this existence.  We, however, often come across persons whom we feel that inspite of their best efforts, all their endeavours fail or one of the spouse is exceptionally good but is suffering because of an unreasonable spouse or one has got a boss who has not made life of only one individual miserable but of all the persons working under him etc.  We tend to believe that persons or circumstances are unjust.  This is not so.  This is all result of our own prarabdha. 

If we accept the persons and circumstances as such (non acceptance even otherwise does not help improve the situation) and instead of trying to improve them (as these efforts are bound to fail), work on resolution of our reactions to them (through spiritual practices), we would certainly attain freedom from their effects and also prevent aagami (accumulation of Karma from actions in this life).  When we succeed in doing so, we feel grateful to the persons and circumstances which led to our freedom (evolution).

Crucial thing for achievement of freedom, as aforesaid, is to shift one’s focus to one’s ‘reaction’ and the ‘effects’ it produces in one’s body and mind rather than dwelling on correctness or otherwise of ‘action’ of the other.  It has to be ongoing process in real life situations for years on end – not an hour process of meditation.

Second truth is that everyone (except a few spiritually evolved persons) in a relationship feels cheated.  Reason is simple.  Everyone in a relationship seeks to receive love, affection and appreciation of the other one and for that tries to adjust, compromise and sacrifice one’s position to some extent.  This gives rise to expectation of reciprocation which does not appear to be happening.  Now when one tries to adjust or compromise for betterment of a relationship, one is thinking of it all the time.  Very small fraction of this thinking process gets translated into perceivable action on the outside (like tip of an iceberg) which may or may not be perceived by the other.  Similar is the position with other person.  In the case of other person also, the mental effort is much larger than action which other person is actually able to perceive.  Thus both consider their efforts (which largely includes non perceivable effort on mental plane) to be huge and (externally perceivable) response from the other as insignificant (or no response).  Thus both feel cheated – particularly the persons in close relationships like spouses.  You may have heard the astrologers telling everyone that you do so much for others but others do not reciprocate.  Because of above mentioned reason, every one tends to believe it – but it is untrue.  How can everybody be looser and no one a gainer in a relationship?  This is illogical.

So one has to understand that others also make efforts for harmonious living but in the very nature of things one fails to perceive it.  Fault does not lie with others.

Third truth is that everyone (in a family) has a personality determined by one’s genetic coding and social conditioning.  Because of this every person is unique (even finger prints of two persons never tally what to say of much more complex personality traits and response systems) – with specific preferences and prejudices.  And obviously one believes and is sure of correctness of one’s preferences and prejudices.  Even if in an argument one is defeated and cannot justify one’s beliefs, internally one often continues to believe in their correctness.

Since no two individuals are alike and both are sure of the correctness of their beliefs, there cannot be a meeting point and some areas of disagreement will always remain.  A relationship will therefore flourish when one understands this fact deeply and respects the preferences and prejudices of “other person” in the same way as “one’s own”.  Bhagawan Dattatreya says at one place in Bhgagvatam that ‘manushya swabhava se alag alag hote hi hain, isliye na main kisi ki stuti karta houn or na ninda hi”.

Even otherwise since everything and every person is manifestation of same energy or Parmatma, question of one thing being intrinsically right and other wrong, one being good and other bad, one being moral and other immoral does not have a basis.  All these ideas are creation of human beings for maintaining order in the society and may be followed for mutual convenience.  One cannot, therefore, reasonably find fault with the life style of others in existential terms (and get disturbed by that).

Further, even with our prejudices and preferences, there is not a person who does not have any good quality and one himself is also not perfect, if judged from social standards.

Also if we think for a while on the subject, it will not be difficult to understand that we are supported in this world not only by the nature and persons with whom we directly interact (they of course support us) but also by millions of unknown workers and scientists working in agricultural fields, mines, factories, laboratories etc.  We need be grateful for their contribution to our lives.

As such, if one ponders deeply on what is mentioned above, one would find that one needs not only (grudging) try to accept others around him as they are, one needs to respect them and feel grateful for their contribution to one’s life.  When this ‘respect’ and ‘gratefulness’ for others becomes a ‘reality’, one would start seeing ‘divinity’ in them and live joyously.

Many a time for a sadhaka, problem arises when he feels his pursuit as sacrosanct and aimed at achieving a lofty goal beyond ordinary worldly existence.  One starts considering others as  ‘lesser beings’.  And thus a sadhaka may sometime start feeling out of sync with the world outside.  This is a blunder.  This also creates a desire that others should respect one’s higher pursuit and provide space for one’s evolution by compromising on their demands on one’s time.

Now, as Sadguru Jaggi Vasudeva says, if one’s meditation requires others to stop their activities like enjoying a TV programme, music, chit-chat with children, or doing some work in the kitchen etc., this meditation is not going to succeed.  The vehicles, crows, utensils in the kitchen etc. will continue to make noise.  World will not come to standstill.  Acceptance of everything around is the key.

Fourth truth is that understanding of all the above mentioned truths and many more from shastras and gurus at mental level alone is not a solution to our problems.  For example, everybody knows that worry does not help solve a problem and that one can better handle a situation with a cool mind.  But one cannot help it and the worry grips one.  One has to take to some form of sadhana under the guidance of a ‘guru’ (one should not go by the books, CDs etc.) and sustain it throughout one’s life.

After a while attention has to shift from reading of scriptures to sadhana.

Consequently, when one has a glimpse of or touches that ‘awareness’ (called ‘atma’, ‘parmatama’, ‘being’, ‘sakshi’ etc.) which all the scriptures and gurus talk about, then sadhana does not actually require exclusive time (except for an hour or so).  Being ‘aware’ of oneself in the midst of things is most effective way to forge ahead on this path.  One can touch this awareness off and on while being with one’s spouse in the bed, watching TV, while travelling or while accompanying one’s spouse while she is shopping (once one has reached this stage, in my experience, japa instantaneously helps in getting into the state of awareness).  And the beauty is that others will not even to come to know of it and may not grudge one’s engagement in sadhana.  One needs to wear one’s spiritual quest lightly.

And I have found that when one ‘truly’ respects and feels grateful to others (faking will not do), they surely allow one all the time one needs.  If one feels that one’s environment is not conducive to sadhana (or one is not getting enough time), one may either not be on the right path or there may be a need for break before taking next step.  Sometimes change of path or break may be necessary as one’s body and mind may not be ready for higher energies.  But one cannot know it by oneself.  To know what is needed, one only needs to continue to be in touch with the masters and fellow travellers (satsang).  Existence is intelligence and it will surely arrange whatever is needed when one deserves it.  As Baba Sitaramdas Onkarnath says, leave all your burdens at the feet of the master and be free of worries.

It may also be useful to refer to three of my earlier posts titled as “Put the Stick (Mind) Aside and Go by the Light of the Master”, “Living in Harmony – No Conflict, Compromise or Sacrifice” and “Dilemma of a Seeker” which in some way are connected to the matter discussed above.