To a friend who asked me whether I faced battle with my mind and how to come out of it.
Yes, I faced the battle with the mind. I often used to be in the grip of anger (irritation) and fear (anxiety) when I took up a job and got married.
To give you an example, once my boss just ignored me while a few others were also present. A few days later he responded to my question looking in different direction and refused me leave for a day. This was enough for me to stop seeing the boss (before that I used to have breakfast, lunch and dinner at his house for months on end) and sitting on the same floor of the building, I avoided facing him in corridor and did not visit him for almost 5-6 months. He also started writing letters asking my explanation in certain official matters. Anger went on increasing and I started thinking of murdering his sons to teach him a lesson (killing him, in my perception, was not sufficient punishment as he would simply die and not suffer).
I also used to have fear while sitting in office for no reason.
About a year and a half later, apparently, accidentally I started reading Osho. I started with Upnishads, the first one being Kathopnishad. I found it so absorbing that while at home I could not resist reading it even though it was month of March and I had huge official work (I used to bring files for working at home). Thereafter, I continued reading a few more Upnishads and Osho’s lectures on Kabeer, Meera, Geeta etc. While at home, most of the time I was reading (time for chit chat drastically came down). This gave rise to reactions from my wife though we continued to enjoy movies, parties etc., as before. Apart from reactions to my touching her off and on without considering the situation, this became another point of discord between us.
While reading, time and again, I used to get overwhelmed by the profundity of what was expressed by Osho in his lectures. I had compelling urge to share this profound knowledge and tried to share it with my wife (she is exceptionally intelligent). Sometimes, she would condescend to listen reluctantly. Later when she perceived my actions to be inappropriate, she would often retort, referring to the high spiritual fandas from Osho’s lectures which I used to share with her – aap baatein to aisee aisee karate hain aur harkatein yeh hain aapki – what is the use of all this when it does not show in your conduct. This used to hurt me deeply.
While reading, time and again, I used to get overwhelmed by the profundity of what was expressed by Osho in his lectures. I had compelling urge to share this profound knowledge and tried to share it with my wife (she is exceptionally intelligent). Sometimes, she would condescend to listen reluctantly. Later when she perceived my actions to be inappropriate, she would often retort, referring to the high spiritual fandas from Osho’s lectures which I used to share with her – aap baatein to aisee aisee karate hain aur harkatein yeh hain aapki – what is the use of all this when it does not show in your conduct. This used to hurt me deeply.
All the knowledge of scriptures I acquired could not help me reduce my reaction and consequent suffering. The gulf between my spiritual knowledge and my reactions was so huge that soon (two years of study) it became very clear to me that I needed to do something with my reactions and that understanding through the conscious mind alone will not help. I further understood that only regular practice of meditations would help.
I also understood that the mind has three levels, conscious, sub-conscious and unconscious level. Whatever we learn (from our surroundings) and remember by way of information (inputs through formal education), ideas of right or wrong, good or bad (moral and ethical inputs) and do’s and don’ts are stored in the conscious part of the mind (with time some of it seeps into the sub-conscious level also).
The anger and fear (hatred, violence, anxiety etc. are different shades of anger and fear) are there with us as part of our survival instincts from the very beginning of the existence – anger propelled the living beings to fight and destroy the aggressors or the predators and fear propelled them to flee from the scene [fight or flight response] – they are part of unconscious and sub-conscious levels of mind. Whatever reactions we repress, get stored into the sub-conscious. They have stored inputs of millions of years. The conscious mind (layer on the surface) is unaware of what is hidden in these layers – that is why the logical understanding at the level of the conscious mind (outer most layer of recent origin) does not help one when one is in the grip of some emotion (anger, anxiety etc.) which arises from deeper levels of mind.
The contents of the sub-conscious, as an under current, thus, go on influencing our conduct and personality. We sometime get glimpses of sub-conscious mind through dreams (that is why there is whole science of treatment based on analysis of dreams – it need not be tried) and also in state of sudden provocations where the conscious mind does not find time to analyse the situation and control one’s reaction. At this level (level of sub-conscious) you are not only 26 year old, you may be millions of years old.
With evolution of human specie, survival at physical level is not much of an issue any more. But since with evolution we are now identified with our reputation (self image), value systems (ideologies), relationships etc., any injury or possibility of an injury to any of these is perceived as a threat to self and survival instincts (anger or fear) mechanically and instantaneously get activated. This is beyond the control of conscious mind.
For these reason, as I said before, understanding through the conscious mind alone does not help.
Osho used to say that unless we clear this sub-conscious layer of the mind of the suppressed feelings and emotion, there is no possibility of one being free of one’s suffering (caused by anger, fear, greed, addictions, sexual perversions etc.).
This is how I reached Osho Ashram in Pune in July, 1985 to learn meditations. I practiced them very seriously for next five years. The intensity and frequency of reactions came down drastically in about three years time – only traces remained. Breakthrough was achieved only by a method which clears the sub-conscious level of the mind.
Among many methods coming from different traditions, one of the most powerful method to root out the suppressed feeling, desires and emotions from our system given by Osho is ‘Dynamic Meditation’. It is physically demanding (will suit you best as you are full of energy and you need to make use of that - for others, another method 'gibberish' given by Osho is also equally effective). Consider trying it for three months.
