Awareness is the key to better relationships

For making a relationship work, usually all of us make some adjustments, compromises and sacrifices.  This naturally gives rise to the expectation that such acts be reciprocated or at least appreciated.  Relationships often turn sour or become insipid because almost each one of us feels that other person does not reciprocate our feelings and efforts to make it better / work (for somewhat detailed discussion on this, one may refer to the post dated 10.04.2013 titled as ‘Wear Spirituality lightly’).  In that and in another post dated 05.07.2012 titled as ‘Living in Harmony – No Conflict, Compromise or Sacrifice’, there was a discussion on as to how to be in a harmonious relationship devoid of conflict, compromises and sacrifices.

 

Having clear understanding on the subject and having a very understanding and caring spouse, again one day, I found my mind seized for while by this kind of feeling – she does not appreciate.  Just an observation (this happens only if we pause to think) – awareness of the feeling – and it was immediately gone.  This (being aware of or observing the mechanics mind) is what is meant by ‘Gyan hi mukti hai’.  This also brings us to the point that mirror needs to be cleaned again and again as it goes on gathering dust with time.  In that relaxed state, I had put a cryptic feed on the facebook:

 

“In a relationship, we often complain that the other person does not appreciate our acts or qualities but never pause to think as to why do we have that expectation?”

 

It elicited an expected question from a friend:

 

“I want to know if there exists a 'relationship' without expectation...most people who cannot deal with expectation are not in relationships, only to then infer that if it is one then it cannot be devoid expectation.”

 

My response to her was:

 

“Yes, there are relationships without expectations. Take the case of a relationship of a child with his maternal grandmother, grandma does not have any expectations from the child and it is one of the most joyous relationship for her. Similar is the case of a saint and his disciple.

 

People often have much less expectations from their son-in-laws and when it is so they enjoy beautiful relationship.

 

But take case of one's spouse or daughter-in-law, the situation is different as expectations are high.

 

If we pause and think we would readily find that satisfaction and joy in a relationship is inversely proportional to the expectations.

 

At the same time, you are right that it is natural to have expectations in a relationship. But the consequence in terms of suffering (disenchantment and frustration, as Chand Saheb has rightly observed) is also natural. That is why there is need to pause and think.

 

Now the natural question that arises is as to how not to have much expectation in a relationship?

 

It does not come easy. It requires serious understanding and pursuit on spiritual front.

 

As a first step one has know and realise that our lives unfold as per our own past Karmas and therefore none else is the cause of our happiness or sorrow. When this understanding seeps deeper, the expectations in relationships come down. It is to be followed by sustained Sadhana to have a joyous life where there are no expectations.”

 

My friend did not pause to understand and think and continued clinging with her view that there cannot be relationship without expectations.  This evoked a very insightful response from our esteemed friend, Shri B P Gaur.  I am reproducing his response benefit of all of us:

 

“You raise some very pertinent issues! So, let me also add my two penny worth of ideas.

 

For a person harbouring "expectations" in a relationship wants ownership over the other person, who, at some point, chooses to act differently and upsets the apple cart.

 

For a person steeped in “expectation” a statement that one should not have any expectations in relationships is simply an unachievable state. He feels that giving up expectation amounts to losing all self-respect and becoming a door-mat. We all know how sensitive people are about their perceived self-respect.

 

People are in varying degrees of seekership, which is essentially a search for of lasting happiness (bliss would be a better term here). So, they have to approach the issue of relationships from where they currently stand.

 

As long as one feels that happiness comes through only when every relationship turns out according to one's expectations, even happy relationships are bound to turn stale or might sour. This leads to considerable agitation, heartburn, disappointment and sorrow. A person rooted in expectation will continue to hurtle from one disastrous relationship to another. Unhappiness and agitation sows the seeds of future unhappy relationships. This seems like an irreversible cycle over which a person has little control.

 

The question, therefore arises, what is the way out?

 

This is where better understanding comes in handy. Every person or situation is our life, happy or otherwise, has a purpose and is here to teach us a lesson. So, we have to approach people with the awareness that we do not own them and they have their own personal choices and free will which has to be respected. Awareness gives us the understanding how certain seemingly difficult relationships begin to improve if we reduce the stranglehold of our expectations and allow others more space.

 

Here, awareness is the key! It allows us to detach ourselves from our patterns of thought and behaviour and analyse the same dispassionately. As such, we learn where we have gone wrong and stop making the same mistakes.

 

As we become more and more aware it becomes increasingly easy to disengage ourselves (small egos) from relationships and see them in a better perspective.

 

It is not easy and many failures are to be encountered along the path. Yet, it is a path worth pursuing.

 

You wonder if a person, without expectation, is likely to have any relationship at all?

 

This question is nothing more than an obstacle created by the mind and needs to be put aside, for some time at least.

 

One who aspires to swim in a pool knows that in the beginning he is likely to suck some water through his nostrils and choke on it. If he dwells only up on this fear, he would not enter the pool. But the fear is needless. He who has put this fear aside enters the pool. Some day, he can be a proficient swimmer.

 

Much in the same way, all of us can learn how to become established in happy relationships. It cannot happen overnight. We are so much attached to our egos that if this ego were to be taken away at one stroke most of us would commit suicide. This is why God and Guru in their compassion have made the process of annihilation of ego slow. It happens, as Gurumayi once said to me, “Little by little!” We have to be grateful for that!!”