I come from a family of Arya Samajis who do not believe in Idol Worship and visiting temples. They believe in Homa and Mantras particularly the Gayatri Mantra. Though we knew Gayatri Mantara, we did not chant it. My knowledge of scriptures was almost zero except knowing story of Rama which we learnt from seeing Rama Leela in our village. We use to look forward to it as it was our important annual source of entertainment. We had also heard stories of Raja Harischandra, Prahalad, Mahabharata,Panchtantra etc., here and there, but never read any scriptures as such.
A few traits of my personality I was endowed with include the strength to bear pain, perseverance and will power. At the same time I was easily swayed by the suggestions, others made – was considered as a gullible person. Besides, I have a weak physical constitution and was afraid of situations which could involve physical assault .
Each of these traits helped me in my spiritual quest in a number of ways. For example, in the year 1970 I met with an accident in which my left foot got seriously injured – my little finger was uprooted and was merely hanging by the skin on one side. I heard the doctor say to my friends that it is risky to put stitches to join the finger and that it needed to be removed. Otherwise there was chance of gangrene in the foot. I said “no” (as I had a childhood experience where my mother had picked up cut little figure of left hand from the ground and put it in place and bandaged with powdered sugar and ghee, without any stitches, and it healed) and asked him to put stitches. He did not have local anesthesia and wanted to give me a general anesthesia. Fearing that under general anesthesia, he may remove my finger without my knowledge, I asked him to put stitches without that. I could bear it.
As a student, I always felt that I am not intelligent enough and that I had to go through same matter or solve same problems in mathematics and science a number of times before I understood them and my speed at solving problems was and continues to be slow. Further problem was that I could not concentrate on a subject for more than two hours at a time. I had to make up for these perceived deficiency with perseverance.
Later in the year 1972 when I was studying in Engineering, I used to get headache everyday and I used to take aspirin for that. After a few months, I thought that I cannot go on taking medicine like this for ever and decided to stop it. I have never since then taken any medicine for headache or any antibiotic for cold and cough, though both these problems attacked me quite frequently and with severity for many years.
As for being gullible, I easily accepted suggestions of others even on crucial issues like selection of a course for studies, taking up exams etc. and went by that. It helped me to become successful at various stages of my studies and career. But for acceptance of these suggestions, I could have missed many an opportunity like admission to Roorkee University, getting into IRS etc. Later this trait also helped me switch over from one form of spiritual practice to another with ease and wonderful results.
Coming back to spiritual pursuits, in the year 1989, my younger brother committed suicide and I was asked by my uncle to read Bhagwad Geeta as we did not believe in performing normal rituals with any faith. Of course, as a formality, some minimum rituals like collecting the remains and immersing them in Ganga were performed. I read Hindi translation of Bhagwad Geeta at that time but it did not interest me much.
In 1980, I decided to marry and went to Mumbai to see a girl. Looking, perhaps, at my weak physical constitution, mother of the girl declined to show us (my sister and a close friend were with me) the girl. Since we had booked our return journey to Nagpur after a few days, my friend suggested that we can use this time for visiting Pune. While in Pune, my friend wanted to go and listen to lecture from Osho (he was inclined towards spiritual quest from quite an early age). But not being sincere in our desire, we became a little late in reaching for the lecture and found the gates closed. After a while we were ushered in to have a small guided tour of the Ashram. We saw some books but we found them to be quite expensive (Rs. 50 to 60). Somehow, I bought a small book costing Rs. 2.
This first book of Osho which I read in the 1980 was titled as ‘Satya ki Khoj’ (search for truth). What made an indelible impression on me, which helped me in my quest all along, was a discussion in that book on the fact that before one can tread the path of realising the truth, one needs to recognise chains and prison which confine one. One is unable to break free from chains and prison as long as these are mistaken for ornaments and home. Though I was impressed and overwhelmed by the contents of the book, it did not propel me into reading more books of Osho at that time.
I do not know why but thereafter a question arose in my mind that though we call ourselves as Hindus, but what does it signify? I asked a few friends, they asked me to read some literature of Swami Vivekananda. I bought a few his books, namely, Karm Yoga, Patanjal Yoga Darshan, Raj Yoga, Bahkti Yoga, Dharm Rahasya etc. I liked them but they did not bring about any desire to read more or follow the spiritual path. I also read commentary of Mahatma Gandhi on Geeta and his famous book “My experiments with truth" and something on Ram Charit Manas by Pt. Ram Kinkar Upadhyaya with the same result. In the meantime, I got married in November, 1981. My father-in-law used to read some books by Osho. While coming back from Allahabad to Nagpur (my place of posting), to read something on the way (to pass time), I used to pick up one of those books. Names of two books I still remember - “Prabhu Mandir ke Dwar Par” and “Ankhon Dekhi Saanch”. Though I liked these books but if the book was left half read on the way, I did not read the rest.
Time passed by and in the year 1982, my bosses became displeased with me and consequently the work environment in the office was quite negative. My reaction to these happenings was extreme to the extent that I started seriously thinking of murdering sons of the officer concerned (but fear and weak contitution kept me in check). In the house also when my wife reacted to my touching her here and there without regard to time and place, I used to get seriously annoyed. Though I did not think that there was anything wrong with me – I considered anger (irritation) and fear (anxiety) as normal (since it is experienced by everyone around) – the fact was that I was suffering – the ground was getting prepared.
In March, 1983, my boss (very learned man with vast knowledge of scriptures) asked me if I was interested in going to an exhibition of Osho books – he was interested in having a look at his commentary on Bhagwad Geeta (he had read practically all other commentaries on Geeta). I had no option but to say 'yes'. We went together. Looking at Osho’s exposition of one of the Slokas of Geeta where he had some doubt, he was so impressed that he purchased all the parts of the commentary. It was too expensive for. While looking around I glanced at a set of Osho’s commentary on a set of five Upnishads – Kathopnishad, Kaivalaya Upnishad, Adhyatm Upnishad, Sarva Sar Upnishad and Atm Pooja Upnishad. While going through commentary of Mahatma Gandhi on Geeta, I had noticed some * marks on some Slokas and at the bottom of the page, names of some Upnishads were mentioned. I thought Upnishads may be something great as some of Slokas of Geeta are taken from / common with them. This set was also relative inexpensive, priced at Rs. 250. I, thus, purchased this set of Upnishads.
Back home, I started reading Kathopnishad. First lecture is on the conversation between Nachiketa and his father. I did not like it, as at that time, I was averse to teachings in the form of stories – the way Puranas put it. I, however, persisted and got hooked from the next lecture (I felt the same way with my text books where first chapter on definitions or discussion on whether it was science or arts did not interest me). I was so absorbed into its contents that I was reading it all the time, whenever I was free, in the house and could not even attend to office files which I used to bring to my house because of heavy workload in office in the month of March.
Thereafter, I continued reading a few more Upnishads and Osho’s lectures on Kabeer, Meera, Geeta, Tantra Shutra (a set of book on 112 methods of meditations told by Shiva to Parvati) etc. By this time, office environment became normal but while at home, most of the time I was reading (time for chit chat drastically came down). This gave rise to reactions from my wife though we continued to enjoy movies, parties etc., as before. Apart from reactions to my touching her off and on without considering the situation, this became another point of discord between us.
While reading, time and again, I used to get overwhelmed by the profundity of what was expressed by Osho in his lectures. I had compelling urge to share this profound knowledge and tried to share it with my wife (she is exceptionally intelligent). She was not interested in such inputs but sometimes, she would condescend to listen reluctantly. Later when she perceived my actions to be inappropriate, she would often retort, referring to the high spiritual fandas from Oshos’s lectures which I used to share with her – aap baatein to aisee aisee karate hain aur harkatein yeh hain aapki – what is the use of all this when it does not show in your conduct. This used to hurt me deeply. Our reactions were so intense that sometimes fleeting thoughts of ending life crossed our minds.
But one saving grace with both of us was that we did not carry these strong negative emotions for long. We used resolve them in few minutes or hours and start enjoying togetherness again (she was far better equipped than me to become normal soon on account of her great emotional strength which in turn depends on one's level of consciousness) – as for me, my extreme interest in sex helped me patch up early.
In a situation like this once, she was trying to patch up and while doing that she came and lied over me. I was so angry that I wanted to teach her a lesson, put some metal pressure on her so that she mends her ways and, therefore, did not want to patch up early. I pushed her aside by my elbow and she fell from the bed in a narrow space between the wall and the bed. She was pregnant at that time and anything could have happened. Still I did not relent. Very next morning I had to go to Mumbai for some training course for a few days and, away from her, I had time and space to seriously reflect on my conduct specially in view of my recently acquired knowledge of scriptures.
This way, over a period of time (incident narrated above became a proverbial last straw on the camel’s back), I became acutely aware of huge gulf between my spiritual knowledge and my reactions, it became very clear to me that I needed to do something with my reactions and that understanding through the conscious mind alone will not help. With Osho’s teachings, I further understood that only regular practice of meditations would help.
I decided to take to meditations in the year 1985. It is thus that my spiritual quest formally began (in this life).
To be contd…..
A few traits of my personality I was endowed with include the strength to bear pain, perseverance and will power. At the same time I was easily swayed by the suggestions, others made – was considered as a gullible person. Besides, I have a weak physical constitution and was afraid of situations which could involve physical assault .
Each of these traits helped me in my spiritual quest in a number of ways. For example, in the year 1970 I met with an accident in which my left foot got seriously injured – my little finger was uprooted and was merely hanging by the skin on one side. I heard the doctor say to my friends that it is risky to put stitches to join the finger and that it needed to be removed. Otherwise there was chance of gangrene in the foot. I said “no” (as I had a childhood experience where my mother had picked up cut little figure of left hand from the ground and put it in place and bandaged with powdered sugar and ghee, without any stitches, and it healed) and asked him to put stitches. He did not have local anesthesia and wanted to give me a general anesthesia. Fearing that under general anesthesia, he may remove my finger without my knowledge, I asked him to put stitches without that. I could bear it.
As a student, I always felt that I am not intelligent enough and that I had to go through same matter or solve same problems in mathematics and science a number of times before I understood them and my speed at solving problems was and continues to be slow. Further problem was that I could not concentrate on a subject for more than two hours at a time. I had to make up for these perceived deficiency with perseverance.
Later in the year 1972 when I was studying in Engineering, I used to get headache everyday and I used to take aspirin for that. After a few months, I thought that I cannot go on taking medicine like this for ever and decided to stop it. I have never since then taken any medicine for headache or any antibiotic for cold and cough, though both these problems attacked me quite frequently and with severity for many years.
As for being gullible, I easily accepted suggestions of others even on crucial issues like selection of a course for studies, taking up exams etc. and went by that. It helped me to become successful at various stages of my studies and career. But for acceptance of these suggestions, I could have missed many an opportunity like admission to Roorkee University, getting into IRS etc. Later this trait also helped me switch over from one form of spiritual practice to another with ease and wonderful results.
Coming back to spiritual pursuits, in the year 1989, my younger brother committed suicide and I was asked by my uncle to read Bhagwad Geeta as we did not believe in performing normal rituals with any faith. Of course, as a formality, some minimum rituals like collecting the remains and immersing them in Ganga were performed. I read Hindi translation of Bhagwad Geeta at that time but it did not interest me much.
In 1980, I decided to marry and went to Mumbai to see a girl. Looking, perhaps, at my weak physical constitution, mother of the girl declined to show us (my sister and a close friend were with me) the girl. Since we had booked our return journey to Nagpur after a few days, my friend suggested that we can use this time for visiting Pune. While in Pune, my friend wanted to go and listen to lecture from Osho (he was inclined towards spiritual quest from quite an early age). But not being sincere in our desire, we became a little late in reaching for the lecture and found the gates closed. After a while we were ushered in to have a small guided tour of the Ashram. We saw some books but we found them to be quite expensive (Rs. 50 to 60). Somehow, I bought a small book costing Rs. 2.
This first book of Osho which I read in the 1980 was titled as ‘Satya ki Khoj’ (search for truth). What made an indelible impression on me, which helped me in my quest all along, was a discussion in that book on the fact that before one can tread the path of realising the truth, one needs to recognise chains and prison which confine one. One is unable to break free from chains and prison as long as these are mistaken for ornaments and home. Though I was impressed and overwhelmed by the contents of the book, it did not propel me into reading more books of Osho at that time.
I do not know why but thereafter a question arose in my mind that though we call ourselves as Hindus, but what does it signify? I asked a few friends, they asked me to read some literature of Swami Vivekananda. I bought a few his books, namely, Karm Yoga, Patanjal Yoga Darshan, Raj Yoga, Bahkti Yoga, Dharm Rahasya etc. I liked them but they did not bring about any desire to read more or follow the spiritual path. I also read commentary of Mahatma Gandhi on Geeta and his famous book “My experiments with truth" and something on Ram Charit Manas by Pt. Ram Kinkar Upadhyaya with the same result. In the meantime, I got married in November, 1981. My father-in-law used to read some books by Osho. While coming back from Allahabad to Nagpur (my place of posting), to read something on the way (to pass time), I used to pick up one of those books. Names of two books I still remember - “Prabhu Mandir ke Dwar Par” and “Ankhon Dekhi Saanch”. Though I liked these books but if the book was left half read on the way, I did not read the rest.
Time passed by and in the year 1982, my bosses became displeased with me and consequently the work environment in the office was quite negative. My reaction to these happenings was extreme to the extent that I started seriously thinking of murdering sons of the officer concerned (but fear and weak contitution kept me in check). In the house also when my wife reacted to my touching her here and there without regard to time and place, I used to get seriously annoyed. Though I did not think that there was anything wrong with me – I considered anger (irritation) and fear (anxiety) as normal (since it is experienced by everyone around) – the fact was that I was suffering – the ground was getting prepared.
In March, 1983, my boss (very learned man with vast knowledge of scriptures) asked me if I was interested in going to an exhibition of Osho books – he was interested in having a look at his commentary on Bhagwad Geeta (he had read practically all other commentaries on Geeta). I had no option but to say 'yes'. We went together. Looking at Osho’s exposition of one of the Slokas of Geeta where he had some doubt, he was so impressed that he purchased all the parts of the commentary. It was too expensive for. While looking around I glanced at a set of Osho’s commentary on a set of five Upnishads – Kathopnishad, Kaivalaya Upnishad, Adhyatm Upnishad, Sarva Sar Upnishad and Atm Pooja Upnishad. While going through commentary of Mahatma Gandhi on Geeta, I had noticed some * marks on some Slokas and at the bottom of the page, names of some Upnishads were mentioned. I thought Upnishads may be something great as some of Slokas of Geeta are taken from / common with them. This set was also relative inexpensive, priced at Rs. 250. I, thus, purchased this set of Upnishads.
Back home, I started reading Kathopnishad. First lecture is on the conversation between Nachiketa and his father. I did not like it, as at that time, I was averse to teachings in the form of stories – the way Puranas put it. I, however, persisted and got hooked from the next lecture (I felt the same way with my text books where first chapter on definitions or discussion on whether it was science or arts did not interest me). I was so absorbed into its contents that I was reading it all the time, whenever I was free, in the house and could not even attend to office files which I used to bring to my house because of heavy workload in office in the month of March.
Thereafter, I continued reading a few more Upnishads and Osho’s lectures on Kabeer, Meera, Geeta, Tantra Shutra (a set of book on 112 methods of meditations told by Shiva to Parvati) etc. By this time, office environment became normal but while at home, most of the time I was reading (time for chit chat drastically came down). This gave rise to reactions from my wife though we continued to enjoy movies, parties etc., as before. Apart from reactions to my touching her off and on without considering the situation, this became another point of discord between us.
While reading, time and again, I used to get overwhelmed by the profundity of what was expressed by Osho in his lectures. I had compelling urge to share this profound knowledge and tried to share it with my wife (she is exceptionally intelligent). She was not interested in such inputs but sometimes, she would condescend to listen reluctantly. Later when she perceived my actions to be inappropriate, she would often retort, referring to the high spiritual fandas from Oshos’s lectures which I used to share with her – aap baatein to aisee aisee karate hain aur harkatein yeh hain aapki – what is the use of all this when it does not show in your conduct. This used to hurt me deeply. Our reactions were so intense that sometimes fleeting thoughts of ending life crossed our minds.
But one saving grace with both of us was that we did not carry these strong negative emotions for long. We used resolve them in few minutes or hours and start enjoying togetherness again (she was far better equipped than me to become normal soon on account of her great emotional strength which in turn depends on one's level of consciousness) – as for me, my extreme interest in sex helped me patch up early.
In a situation like this once, she was trying to patch up and while doing that she came and lied over me. I was so angry that I wanted to teach her a lesson, put some metal pressure on her so that she mends her ways and, therefore, did not want to patch up early. I pushed her aside by my elbow and she fell from the bed in a narrow space between the wall and the bed. She was pregnant at that time and anything could have happened. Still I did not relent. Very next morning I had to go to Mumbai for some training course for a few days and, away from her, I had time and space to seriously reflect on my conduct specially in view of my recently acquired knowledge of scriptures.
This way, over a period of time (incident narrated above became a proverbial last straw on the camel’s back), I became acutely aware of huge gulf between my spiritual knowledge and my reactions, it became very clear to me that I needed to do something with my reactions and that understanding through the conscious mind alone will not help. With Osho’s teachings, I further understood that only regular practice of meditations would help.
I decided to take to meditations in the year 1985. It is thus that my spiritual quest formally began (in this life).
To be contd…..
No comments:
Post a Comment